I’ve wondered if calling this blog, and myself- The Constipated Writer is helpful. Aren’t I, in a way affirming my constipation? A friend on Facebook suggested I get a new name. I think she’s right, but before I do, I’m giving up this blog and all of my book ambitions.
The truth is, I am backed up- almost fatally so- in the sense that I am paralyzed by my writing ambitions and I am consciously choosing to give them up. The ideas inside of me feel like little gremlins gnawing at my insides,taunting and tormenting me. For other people these ambitions might work as fuel. They might promote excitement and enthusiasm, enough to manifest each one. For me, they are fuel. Most times they do excite me, but for whatever reason I have been unable to get them out of me and after years of constipation..it’s time to do something drastic- or as my husband suggested find the laxative that works.
Yesterday, I chose not to even think about the writing I should do, and I watched the final Oprah show. She talked about responsibility and when we take responsibility for our lives, our lives change. I totally agree. In fact, this is a main theme in my writing at my other blog, The Soul Reporter. Most corners in my life, I own and take responsibility for and in those spaces my life has changed, but when it comes to my “calling,” my talent, my creative aspirations, I am a victim. I don’t like it, but it is obviously true. And I probably do like it, more than I am willing to admit. If there wasn’t a pay off I’d let it go. What that pay off is, I am not quite sure. Maybe I just want to keep on suffering in this one very important way. It’s crazy, I know, but I trust at some point, this too shall pass.
As it passes, I’ve decided to change directions and help my daughter manage her career as an aspiring actor. It was one of the reasons we moved across the country. I see my daughter falling into the same trap of her momma- having a dream, a talent but putting it off for some unknown reason. I cannot and will not watch her do this, and in not so many words she asked for my help yesterday after the Oprah show. Up until this point, I’ve given her space to make it on her own, to do her own thing, not wanting to be in the way or enable further dependency, but one lesson I keep being reminded of, coming from Byron Katie, is do not force yourself beyond your own evololution. For her, she needs someone. For me, I need to support someone other than my ambitions.
None of us get anywhere or do anything without the help of at least one other person. Right now, I can be enthused about my daughter’s career where my own makes me feel like I’m choking on glue. Maybe what I am really good at is supporting the dreams of others, and hey, why not start with my own flesh and blood. As her and I sat in her bedroom doorway, making this conscious contract I felt instant relief. Thank God I don’t have to serve my ambitions anymore, or at least right now. I am sure there will be people who think I am giving up on myself, and that’s okay. Only I know how I have been feeling and only I know what is in my heart to do, and right now if I can use my love and skills to make sure my daughter lives her dreams, well then in a very big way, I will be living mine as well. And who knows- with space and the willingness to give it up, what possibilities can emerge.
Sometimes we have to give up the life we planned to live for the life we are meant to live. Yes, I know that’s not my quote. So, for now I am saying good-bye to The Constipated Writer. I can’t say I don’t want to be a writer, but I can say I no longer want to be constipated, and this is the necessary step to unblocking my flow.
Be brave enough to let your ambitions go- to release the life you think you should live for your true life to be revealed.
*Thank you for reading these posts, commenting and liking and subscribing. It has been a necessary step on this journey, as are all our steps. If and when the writing should flow again, I trust a new name to affirm my new space will as well, and you will be the first to receive the forwarding address.
Nikki, Constipated No More