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Hello readers of what was The Constipated Writer. I thought I’d send you to where I will be spending some of my on-line time, sharing my musings and initiating my vision to create a spiritual resource and community, offering products, services, insights and inspirations. I’ve been blogging here for 6 or more years as The Soul Reporter.

I hope to see you there…

www.nikkisacredspace.com

I’ve wondered if calling this blog, and myself- The Constipated Writer is helpful. Aren’t I, in a way affirming my constipation? A friend on Facebook suggested I get a new name. I think she’s right, but before I do, I’m giving up this blog and all of my book ambitions.

The truth is, I am backed up- almost fatally so- in the sense that I am paralyzed by my writing ambitions and I am consciously choosing to give them up. The ideas inside of me feel like little gremlins gnawing at my insides,taunting and tormenting me. For other people these ambitions might work as fuel. They might promote excitement and enthusiasm, enough to manifest each one. For me, they are fuel. Most times they do excite me, but for whatever reason I have been unable to get them out of me and after years of constipation..it’s time to do something drastic- or as my husband suggested find the laxative that works.

Yesterday, I chose not to even think about the writing I should do, and I watched the final Oprah show. She talked about responsibility and when we take responsibility for our lives, our lives change. I totally agree. In fact, this is a main theme in my writing at my other blog, The Soul Reporter.  Most corners in my life, I own and take responsibility for and in those spaces my life has changed, but when it comes to my “calling,” my talent, my creative aspirations, I am a victim. I don’t like it, but it is obviously true. And I probably do like it, more than I am willing to admit. If there wasn’t a pay off I’d let it go. What that pay off is, I am not quite sure. Maybe I just want to keep on suffering in this one very important way. It’s crazy, I know, but I trust at some point, this too shall pass.

As it passes, I’ve decided to change directions and help my daughter manage her career as an aspiring actor. It was one of the reasons we moved across the country. I see my daughter falling into the same trap of her momma- having a dream, a talent but putting it off for some unknown reason. I cannot and will not watch her do this, and in not so many words she asked for my help yesterday after the Oprah show. Up until this point, I’ve given her space to make it on her own, to do her own thing, not wanting to be in the way or enable further dependency, but one lesson I keep being reminded of, coming from Byron Katie, is do not force yourself beyond your own evololution. For her, she needs someone. For me, I need to support someone other than my ambitions.

None of us get anywhere or do anything without the help of at least one other person. Right now, I can be enthused about my daughter’s career where my own makes me feel like I’m choking on glue. Maybe what I am really good at is supporting the dreams of others, and hey, why not start with my own flesh and blood. As her and I sat in her bedroom doorway, making this conscious contract I felt instant relief. Thank God I don’t have to serve my ambitions anymore, or at least right now.  I am sure there will be people who think I am giving up on myself, and that’s okay. Only I know how I have been feeling and only I know what is in my heart to do, and right now if I can use my love and skills to make sure my daughter lives her dreams, well then in a very big way, I will be living mine as well. And who knows- with space and the willingness to give it up, what possibilities can emerge.

Sometimes we have to give up the life we planned to live for the life we are meant to live. Yes, I know that’s not my quote. So, for now I am saying good-bye to The Constipated Writer. I can’t say I don’t want to be a writer, but I can say I no longer want to be constipated, and this is the necessary step to unblocking my flow.

Today’s Fiber:

Be brave enough to let your ambitions go- to release the life you think you should live for your true life to be revealed. 

*Thank you for reading these posts, commenting and liking and subscribing. It has been a necessary step on this journey, as are all our steps. If and when the writing should flow again, I trust a new name to affirm my new space will as well, and you will be the first to receive the forwarding address.

In Love,

Nikki, Constipated No More

If inside of ourselves we have something to say, something to create, something to share- what happens if we don’t?What if Ralph Lauren didn’t share his designs? Would he be living on his 127,000 acre ranch in Colorado? Beyond this- the material treasures we gain for giving what we have, what would those unexpressed treasures within him be doing to his soul? His psyche? His life?

Film director, Tom Shadyac says, “If you don’t do what your heart wants you to do and follow your passion, it will destroy you…”

I’ve shared here about a dream I had of an elephant. It stood in the shallows of an ocean. I stood in the sand looking at it. I wanted to move toward it but I was afraid. I began to move forward anyway, and as I did, the elephant moved toward me. We both wanted each other. Once reunited, it was an intimate reunion. I sat on its back, stroking its skin. It was bliss. We were one. I am not certain yet what the elephant represents, but right now the elephant serves as my creative potential- and right now I think the elephant is sitting on me, suffocating me.

I am at the place of – If  I don’t do what my heart tells me to do, it will destroy me…And actually the destruction has already begun, and I invited it. I have taken myself to this place of near suffocation for two reasons- I want something from me and I want something for me, and without this “drama” I might not do anything. It’s been so easy not to. I got time, right? I must tend to the kids, right? I must clean the house, right? Have lunch. Shop. Oh, now it’s too late in the day. Time to watch my recorded Oprah’s and watch other people live their best lives. It’s not that I haven’t expressed myself-otherwise I’d really be in trouble. In fact, I don’t even think it’s possible not to, but the current output isn’t enough to relieve the intensity happening inside of me.  The blogging, writing an article here and there, is not enough to bring about the kind of change I want to see for my life and the hopes I want to see realized in the lives of others in and around my life. It’s just not enough and my soul knows this.

The past week, I’ve been  hurting. Especially the past couple of days. Events have happened that may be the cause, but mostly it is a culmination of years and years of not doing what is in me to do and to share at the level I know I can. It feels as though everything is at my front door barreling to get in. I can feel it in my face, and the top of my head. It feels constricted as if it is carrying a sack full of worries (and it is). I can feel my worry line deepening in my skin. I can feel my tight face. Last night I read this sentence from Joseph Campbell, “When you come to the end of one time and the beginning of a new one, it’s a period of tremendous pain and turmoil.”

Yep- I might be in that place. I sense I can lay down that sack of worries and be completely free, but that sack as uncomfortable as it has been, is known. I know what is in the sack. I know what that sack offers. It’s familiar. I’ve yet to fully give myself a chance to see what my art can offer. I have an idea, and this may be why I supress it. It feels overwhelming. If you could only see the visions I have…the ideas I carry- all supressed inside causing destruction, worry, fear, overwhelm- and it’s getting worse because I didn’t let it go a little at a time, expressing them at each step, Now they are here- all of them.

I was thinking about this, this morning. How creative geniuses seem to just begin without bringing themselves through such drama as I have (a projection of course to make me feel worse). Take Ralph Lauren (I saw him on Oprah so he is in my mind). He has an idea for a tie. He makes the tie. He sells the tie. That tie turns into other items- shirts, pants- his entire Ralph Lauren empire. People like this, and this is my awareness about them, which may or not be true, seem to put their vision and emotions into their art and create it when the idea occurs. I used to say to my children, and sometimes I still do when they get into a dramatic display- “save it for the stage.” My oldest is an actress. My youngest loves fashion and singing. I’ve used my emotions and drama to guide me within and clear out my soul. They have also been useful in creating dramatic dissuasions. But now the drama of holding myself back from my art WILL destroy me if I don’t use the emotion and vision to create now, at this time in my life.

If you think this post dramatic- it is. It’s where I am. It’s an amazing discovery and perhaps my sharing it will transform me and touch you.

Today’s Fiber:

I don’t have to use my emotion and intensity to destroy. I can use this tremendous energy inside of me to bring me to the tremendous potential available to me. I will only survive and thrive if I put all that I have within me in an art form whether it be books, screenplays, a heap of clay or vegetable garden. This creative potential must be brought forward or that elephant, although my greatest ally will eventually kill me- but sometimes near death is what brings new life forward. 

I shared a YouTube video on one of my recent posts here, asking for support for a blog post I entered in the Brian Tracy Blog Contest. The results are in, and I needed at least 50-100 more votes to compete and make it into the final 10. When I first saw the email, my heart pounded. When I read it and saw my post was not on the list, I let down a small tear. It’s interesting how attached I became to “winning” only after a few short days of trying to get votes. Then, I became relieved. Thank God I don’t have to push people for more votes, which is what the finalists have to do.  I thought- there’s another direction for me; another place to devote my energies. 

But, I haven’t quite found that place yet. I’ve been slumped over the last couple of days. What is clear however, from this contest experience, is I have a message, and it resonates with the 70 people that did vote, most of whom I know personally or on Facebook and Twitter. I also know- because of my devotion and discipline of writing, I am honing my skill. And…I stretched to get votes. I posted the link many, many times. I put the word out on all my blogs. I made a video. I was captured and moved by the possibility of having my work be exposed in a greater arena and I showed up in an intense way, until the last hour, and then surrendered.

So what have I learned- I have a message I can stand with in integrity because I’ve lived it and continue to. I have skill. I also have the tenacity to move it all forward. I also learned what I don’t have- a name and a face that is recognized in a greater way. I don’t have an endorsement from someone who is known. These things may or may not happen. For a short day I was bitter about this. I thought of a few known people who are published, and offered opportunities and blah, blah, blah but don’t offer much to say of substance, quality or service. I know, bitter- but we know it’s true. After watching James Frey on Oprah this week and hearing how the publishers told him to sell A Million Little Pieces as a memoir knowing it was not true, doesn’t make me feel the industry has much substance either, and just wants to sell based on trends and names.

Wasn’t there a time when a message/story and great talent was enough? Now, we can say stupid things and not write it well, but be recognized as “famous” and you’ve got everything you want. But here’s the thing….Ralph Lauren began his empire with ties (I also watched this on Oprah). Bloomingdale’s displayed a rack of his ties, and then put out another brand of ties that looked just like his. After seeing these copycat ties, he worried his career was over, but someone said to him, “There is a difference between your ties and theirs….love.” It’s all intention. I’ve been an unknown my entire life. I’ve lived my message for as long as I can remember. Now, I want to offer it, and for now I use writing to express it. It is good “fame” hasn’t come. Had it, I might be offering my message for all the wrong reasons.

So, I pull myself up after a “loss” and build on it. Out of 500 blog posts, mine was picked. I feel good about it, and because of all of you who I have met here or Twitter or Facebook, and your kind and encouraging words, you are the feedback I craved for so long and your feedback has affirmed there is a place for what I hold inside of me to offer. I don’t want the journey to be about my name and my face anyway. I don’t need that to feel good. What I need to feel good is simple, and again I go to Ralph Lauren and what he said- he felt he was special and he had something to share with the world. His vision for his life was to have a nice home for his family, to buy a nice car, and send his children to good schools. I write because I love books. Many of my best memories I am with a book. As a child, I felt special, I didn’t know why but it had something to do with looking into a telescope one night as a child, unable to sleep and knowing I was a part of this universe. Some people take issue with this idea of being special. Somehow we think we are saying if we are, then you’re not. That’s ignornace. To be special means to recall who we really are and know what we are apart of- this is my message and while I give it, I want to have a nice home for my family, buy a new car and have my daughter attend a good school (we are in California and they aren’t easy to find- unless you have money).

And now that I know this, guess what’s next…? To write. To express. To see it as my job and dedicate my energy to it and see what opens as I continue to deepen the skill, commit to the vision in my soul, and fan the flames of passion to give a message.

Today’s Fiber:

I trust the journey. I appreciate where I am. And everyday I take more steps. 

I’m sharing a piece I wrote for authormagazine.org. It is the first time I’ve been paid with money for my writing. I am not sure what has taken me so long. But it’s the next step. I need money to sustain the life of my family and myself and to continue on the path I want to stay on. And I do know what has taken me so long- I’ve had to believe in myself. I’ve had to strengthen my writing ability. I’ve had to loosen up and be more playful and not such a critic and perfectionist for the inner creator to feel welcomed. I’ve had to be more at ease within myself. Feel my power and not give it away . All of these steps, have been important ones. They have prepared me for what is to come.

Here is the piece:

At 19, I became pregnant.  I wasn’t married. I had just started college. When I found out, it should have been a crossroad moment, but it wasn’t. I wanted a baby. I wasn’t afraid to commit, even when counselors told me being a young, unwed mother was the surest way to poverty. Even when my boyfriend told me he was going to play video games while I told my parents the news…..To read the rest go to authormagazine.org

Today’s Fiber:

All steps are necessary. This is the perfect and right time. There are no mistakes or failures. 

Many of us modern day writers anticipate and desire opportunities to further expose our work. And if we are honest we might find conflict in this desire. Is it okay to put my work/message out there? Won’t people think I am conceited? Will I appear full of myself? Will I turn people off if I ask for them to pay attention to what I offer?

At least these are some of the “worries” I’ve had. But, I’m getting over them, even though I might lose some people who think I am only boosting my own ego, or just another annoying person selling their goods or maybe those are only my fears…Whichever, I told myself when opportunity knocked, I would give it my all, and it’s important I keep my own word.

I shared in my last post, I’ve become a finalist in the Brian Tracy Blog Contest. It is an opportunity to expose my message, and of course my writing to a larger audience. To do so, I’ve even made a video– not the most comfortable vehicle as I obviously prefer to expose myself on the page instead, but I’m going for it. I hope you will take a look, and if you’ve not done so already, and my message resonates with you, The Wisdom Knockplease leave a comment to count as your vote. On Monday, I will have done all I can to take full advantage of an opportunity, and that I can feel good about.

Today’s Fiber:

There might be a tendency to duck and dive when we feel opportunity knocking. Various reasons for this, mostly the fear of exposure and worrying we might not be ready or we aren’t worthy. You know the old message we hear of, who do you think you are? In my message in the video, I’m asking us to prove our worth. Not to anyone, but ourselves. What are you willing to give yourself? What are ready to show up for? 

A Message

I give much thanks to my blogs. They help me become a better writer. They allow me the opportunity to learn how to turn my private, inner process into a language for others to be a part of. I’ve been preparing to expand my blogging/writing to a greater audience, and one way I chose to do this was to enter a post to Brian Tracy’s Blog Contest . He asked what is one message, if you had the chance would you want to share with the world.

My message, along with 59 others has been chosen out of 500 to move toward the final 10. To help move me there, I need votes and I would be thrilled and honored if you went to the link where my post is live, and make a comment. Each comment counts as a vote. The voting deadline is May 16 at 5 pm PST.

Today’s Fiber:

Keep on sharing. Keep staying true to you. All steps lead to your vision for yourself. Thank you for your support:

http://www.briantracy.com/blog/blog-contest/nikkidivirgilio

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