No More New Tasks

I fear to say to the idea gods, please no more.  I have decided I am an idea whore.  I love them. They excite me, but what about all of the others I have left unfinished?  Over time, they lose their luster, probably because I am already onto the next one.  Hmmm… am I like one of those women who dump the guy and find a new one once the sizzle fizzles?  Oh, yes this is why I am an idea whore.

But I am also an organized lady.  You should see my house. Well, maybe not so much this house as the others before it.  What do the “professionals” tell us about clutter (I am one of those too- was once a professional organizer)?  When you bring in something new, get rid of two- or something like that.

I have a list for this week.  No more new until I cross off a few.  By Monday afternoon, I will be crumpling up my list and throwing it away, and not because I gave up on myself, but because I brought every task to its completion.

So far, on Tuesday afternoon, I am doing okay- except this post was a new idea.  But in a few moments it is complete, and I shall cross it off my list.

Today’s Fiber:

Stay steady.  Softly focused. In time, I will learn to navigate within this idea factory.

Writers, share your process with me.  It inspires me.

Read Full Post »

Overwhelm

What’s overwhelming me is what I am avoiding.

I don’t need to ask what I am avoiding. I already know.

Here’s a reason for constipation: overwhelm.  Making breakfast and beginning laundry this morning, I find myself envying my days as a homemaker. It was my only task, and I did it well. If I were president, women would get paid to be homemakers. But, I am more than homemaker now. I must also make a living, or so ‘they’ say and seems obvious when there are bills to be paid. And since I quit my J O B, my writing is now my work, and as I said already- no one is asking me to write, but me.  No one is paying me either, and working on faith alone for an unforseen income, well some may say I am a dreamer- and I am and it’s what I have so I am working it. Then, I get new ideas everyday.  I haven’t even produced the ones from years ago, yet I get more. I often pursue those, but they don’t always get finished so those too, are thrown into the pile of ideas waiting to be materialized or thrown out.

Ugh, overwhelmed.

But, again my husband offers a solution.  He’s so practical.  I, so emotional. He says, why not get up early every morning like you were going to a job. Umm, yes.  Why not? Time management is one way to manage my overwhelm. I got up early today- 5:30, mind racing with ideas. Stayed in bed until 6:30 thinking of those ideas, and decided I may as well rise and shine. Did my AM routine, got a cup of coffee, walked to my writing space and rise and shine turned into a slump and dim.  So, what did I do? Blog.  Remember- All I Want to Do is Blog.

Back to overwhelm- The Voice Inside offered some wise advice too: no need to become overwhelmed.  It all comes from You. Yes, it is all me. I’m my friend. I know what to do with me. I can manage me and whatever ideas may come or still reside.

Today’s Fiber:

Rise and shine early.  Act is if I am getting paid, and someone other than me desires my work. Remember this is my work, and honor it. Discover old ideas and give them air. Embrace new ones and give them life.

When I slump and dim, shrug it off; say oh, well and dive in.

Read Full Post »

All I want to do is Blog

There was a time when I could not get myself to write a blog. I wrote in my journal instead. Now, all I want to do is blog. I guess this is okay, except I need to take my writing to another level.

But, it won’t be today.  I am really, really constipated.  I spent the day clogging myself up with ‘how to freelance’ searches and explorations; how to find legitimate publications so I don’t fall under a scam, wondering if I already did.  Then, I looked into submitting to O magazine. Yeah, like what writer hasn’t thought of that before. O’s domain is holy- the only way in I see is leaving a comment to the editors, and then if you do this, you  read the small print at the bottom above the ‘submit’ button…..Once you submit your ideas or stores they are no longer yours.  We can use your ideas and stories and have no obligation to compensate you, and if you feel we took your idea or story, well we might have gotten that idea from an O staff member, so good luck suing.

I am beginning to understand why Prince wrote SLAVE on his face for a time.  Artists work damn hard and in current society, we want to get paid and seen for our work.  I wish it weren’t so, but ‘they’ tell us to do what we love and if we love to write or make music, well then we have to sell our wares.  And the ‘big houses’  know this. Ugh, will someone take my ideas?  Will I ever find a good paying home for my writing while still maintaining my rights and creative control?  How the f**k is this going to come together?

Is it any wonder why I have only managed to squeeze out this foul smelling blog today?  I’m discouraged. Clogged up. Not flowing. I am too focused on what to do with my writing rather than my writing. I think I will consider my husband’s advice: write your articles and books first, then let that excitement lead you to their homes.

I don’t know, I think I am done for the night. Again, at least I showed up to the writing desk a good part of the day. What did I learn?  My work is not secure enough to find a new home. I am still weak climbing this mountain peak. For today, all I want to do is blog. It is safe. It is home.

Today’s Fiber:

Everyday walk out of the safe space and go to the foothills and climb the mountain. This will get the flow going and strength and clarity will be gained.

 

Read Full Post »

The rest my dear, is settled.

I’ve delved deeper into The Writing Life. Now I know what I am afraid of.  Before the fear was on the surface, showing up as resistance, like an isolated child pushing me away anytime I got close. But for the best interest of the child, I decided, “Too bad,” as my dad used to say. I am going to do what is best for this writing child even if she doesn’t like it.

So, I’m here. In the writing space and totally freaked out.  Yesterday I spent some time listening to author interviews on AuthorMagazine.org. What a tremendous resource for writers and readers by the way.  As tremendous a resource it is, it is what brought me closer to the fear.

A quote was used, which I don’t fully remember, but basically what I heard was this- if I can do anything else other than write, do it.  Shit, can I do anything else other than write? Sure, I can do other things, but when I think of anything else I feel sort of sick and hear a big NO.  Great, so now I write.

I try not to think of the fact I need money.  I keep bringing myself to the writing space, doing my job even though no one, but me is asking me to, and no one who can pay me is telling me to. I just write- or sit in my writing space, acting as if, trusting when I closed the door on the job I just walked away from, which I could not do, which provided a small paycheck,  I declared  the dream over the need and pressure to always do the “right” thing- and all needs from here will fall into place.

But back to the fear- the fear is this- what if I can’t do this?  What if I cannot embrace all my writing projects and spend time with them, nurturing them, working with them, loving them? Not only this, can I spend this time while I also detach from the outcome of needing money and obviously wanting to get paid for my work.  Do I have this much faith?

At 19, I became pregnant.  I didn’t know who was going to support me or how I was going to support her, but I knew I was going to give birth to her and I knew she was my responsibility. Do you know, that everything worked out.  Not only worked out, but worked out really, really well. She is now an aspiring actress, dedicated and amazing.

I’ve done this already. The only detail not fully in place is my absolute 100% dedication and commitment to this baby; my writing baby; all the projects in me waiting to be birthed through me.  Recently, I climbed a mountain. I write about it  here, in my blog The Soul Reporter.  I had a lot of doubt, almost paralyzing fear at times that I could not keep climbing. As I sit with my fear, I ask, can I commit to my writing; am I capable of climbing the mountains of projects; will I do it this time- I hear the words and feel the push that got me up to the top, and I know that I can. I only need to commit.

The Climb

Dedication only- the rest my dear, is settled.

Read Full Post »

The View From The Writing Window

I just quit my job. I was only there 5 days. I have no income- a bit of savings. But, I am home to write. I woke up wanting to be in Martha’s Vineyard- a room overlooking sea and grey.  Steaming tea on the desk.

But, I’m in California.  I’m not complaining.  I am home to write. To see what I am made of. To see what comes through. To see how I can recreate my life. And….

I do it all with this view.  Lovely, isn’t it?

I suppose it is a good thing. I am reading Annie Dillard’s, The Writing Life. She deliberately chose barren rooms with no view. I think I might know why. I sat at my desk at 10, maybe before. It is now 12:30 and this is the first time I have written anything, and not because I was distracted by sea and grey.

Read Full Post »